CLIFF notes

Hello!  Another week, another semester!  Spring classes started on Tuesday.  I really don’t like that the “spring” semester starts in winter and the “fall” semester starts in summer.  I understand what they mean…but it’s confusing and silly.

Last summer I took my last English class.  Well, last required English class, anyways.  I may take one or two more, because it’s an easy A and I enjoy it.  Lord knows my GPA could use it!  I’m no good at school.  ANYWAYS, for the first week of said English class, I had a man in the class who likes to start conversations with “I was in the army for five years”.  Um, my husband was in the army for five years, so 1. I don’t care, 2. I’m not impressed, and 3. I wish you’d shut the hell up.  But he says it more like this: I WAS IN THE ARMY FOR FIVE YEARS!  Because he doesn’t know how to speak, only how to yell.  This week, I walked into my new math class, and before I ever got there I could HEAR HIM.  There he was, in my classroom, yelling to a friend who was sitting right freaking next to him.  I immediately huffed and rolled my eyes.  I’m not very subtle.  He annoys me in a very special way.  Oh, and his name?  CLIFF.  REALLY?  Yeah, Cliff.  I can’t even say it without adding a little bit of stank, because I can’t STAND HIM.  So, my professor made us go around the room and introduce ourselves, because apparently I am still in kindergarten.  In her defense, it IS a remedial math class.  It’s been like five years since I was in math, so I don’t use many letters with my numbers anymore.  We are all introducing ourselves, and it gets to him.  Thank goodness he sat behind me so that he couldn’t see me roll my eyes when he started talking. “I’M CLIFF, AND I WAS IN THE ARMY FOR 5 YEARS.  I WANT TO BE A TEACHER, MATH ACTUALLY!!” (um, this is where I remind you that we are in a remedial math class) “AND A COACH!!”  A coach?  YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY, CLIFF.  The professor responded with (she’s from Belarus, by the way, so she has a very thick accent) “How could you NOT be a coach with a voice like that?”  RIGHT?  Jeez, go COACH SOMETHING AND SHUT UP, CLIFF.  Oh, I forgot to mention the part where before class, there was a group of nerds standing outside of another classroom (no disrespect to nerds in general, I personally love Star Trek and swear that The X-Files LITERALLY changed my life), and she was one of those people who like makes a spectacle of her nerdiness, which is just annoying.  She threw her fist in the air and yelled “come on, nerds!  It’s time to get to class!  Birds of a feather flock together!” and I really thought about just going over and hitting her in the face.  School starting has reminded me how much I HATE PEOPLE.

On a much more adorable note, my puppy has found love.  The neighbors behind us have a dog, and there is a board on the fence missing, so they get really excited to see each other.  Today she’s playing hard to get.  She cried until I opened the curtain so she could see the golden retriever in the yard behind us, but she wouldn’t go say hi.  She just wanted to see him.

Last but DEFINITELY not least, Fiance and I were in the living room and we heard and loud thud at the window.  It was late and dark out, we really hoped it wasn’t Nathan, our New Years Intruder, trying to get back in!  She hollered for my Husband, who grabbed the gun and poked his head out the window.  “There’s nothing out here.  Well, there’s a bunny.  Want me to shoot it?”  Yeah, he’s kind of an ass sometimes.  I love him.  So like ten minutes later we heard it again.  This time I decided to look around the yard for myself, but I did ask him to back me up.  We checked the whole yard, the window, the rain gutters, looked up on the roof, and found nothing.    Right about that time, Brother decided he should check his mini fridge that sits next to the window in the living room.  Apparently it got too cold, and what we were hearing was EXPLOSIONS.  Cans were exploding in the fridge.  Haha, oops.

That was my week.  People are the WORST.  I’ll talk to you next week, behave until then, and enjoy this photo of my dog running!

Don’t forget to check out my moms blog:

http://ryterrong.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/the-curse-of-nathan/

I AM the Queen of the world, and my secret to success is…

Okay, I have to confess something.  I just so happen to be Queen of the entire world.   Did you really think Ryter could birth any less? It’s not all hot fudge sundaes, it’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it.  Anyways, I have figured out the key to success.  The Queen of England, George Washington, Bill Murray, your parents, every seemingly successful person you can think of, they all knew it.  Think of your hero, that one super successful person you look up to.  Here’s the thing….they have/had NO IDEA what they are/were doing.  The key to success is to PRETEND like you have everything under control.  Yeah, that’s really all there is to it.  Shake off the truth, push your shoulders back, and act like you are totally on top of everything.

I secretly deep down never know what I’m doing at any point in time.  I’m in college full time, and when I walk into the school, for just a fraction of a second, I look around and think to myself “your majesty, WHAT have you gotten yourself into?!”  I then promptly put my head up, toss my hair back, and walk on like I own the world…because I do.  People look at me and say “wow, how do you have it so together?!”  In fact, people have been asking me that since I was like 13.  “You’re so young, how are you so in control?”  Yeah, now you all know the secret.  I’m totally not.  Sometimes that same scenario happens where I look around and have no idea what’s going on just walking into my own bedroom. Just shake it off.

You have to let go every once in a while.  When nobody is home, it’s totally okay to crawl under your coffee table and sing to your dog for a while, but as SOON as you hear that front door unlock, straighten yourself up, have a cup of tea, and get back to being in charge of your life.  Things are going to happen that are totally beyond your control, so own them.  If you pretend like you are in charge, people will believe you.  Trust me.  I’ve been asked if I was the manager at random places because of the way I carry myself.

Oh, and if you’re having the kind of day that just can’t be fixed as a human, throw some ears and whiskers on and be a bunny.  Bunnies don’t have bad days unless they get hit by a car or eaten.  Were you hit by a car or eaten?  No?  Then be a bunny for a little while.  It’ll make ya feel better. 

FUN MOMENT OF THE WEEK:  This week, I found myself standing in the kitchen singing “how much is that doggy in the window” while Husband, who had pigtails in his hair, chased Fiance around the island with his feet turned in and his hands pulled into his body like a dinosaur.

Oh, and we ended up NOT going to the museum because we were sick.  Boo.

Anyways, I’ll talk to you all next week.  Don’t forget to check out Mom’s blog below!

http://ryterrong.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/this-table-and-chair-do-what/

And Fiance’s blog, too!

http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2014/01/17/a-bad-nanny-with-a-bad-haircut/

He Can Really Minimize and Zip Up Fast!

Hey all!  It’s been a while, but I’m back!  Let me give you a quick recap.  Christmas Eve, I got sick with some yucky mucusy bullshit.  It happens every Christmas, so I was expecting it.  I didn’t expect it to last into new years, though, which it did.  I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about the random hipster who came into our house and used our bathroom on New Year’s.  I actually saw the whole thing, from the time he walked through the door to the time he left.  It was pretty good stuff.  We all had champagne that night, which is nasty, so I put some pink lemonade powder in my.  I’m a GENIUS.  You gotta try it, SO GOOD.  Also, it makes it pink, and who doesn’t want pink champagne??  Well, technically it was sparkling wine, but whatever.  We all sat and had a group discussion on how Fiancé walked in on Husband watching porn one day.  Normal family talk, right?  She explained that she didn’t see anything because “he can really minimize and zip up fast!”, and I did NOT realize that by minimize, she was talking about the browser on the computer.  I thought I was going to die, I laughed so hard!  Anyways, a few days later I guess, I got this really bad cough.  I went to bed with it, and woke up about every ten minutes because the pain in my hips and back was so bad.  It didn’t matter how I sat or laid or what I did, it was excruciating.  I got a shot once for pain that bad at the hospital and it helped, so I decided to go to the hospital because I was about to throw myself out a window.  Oh, I should mention that we live in a one story house.  It would have just been painful and expensive.  So I went to the hospital, and they were like “nope, nothing we can do for the pain!  You have fibromyalgia, you know that.  You also have bronchitis, here are antibiotics and cough syrup with codeine in it”.  THANKS.  Then when I was leaving, they were like “if you leave us a review on this website, and then email us to tell us you left a review, we’ll send you a Starbucks gift card!”  I was all “…what? Okay…” So then I was basically just miserable for a while.  I still am, actually, but whatever.  A couple of days ago, I decided that I’m just going to be miserable forever, but life must go on, and I went on an adventure to Ikea.  I really didn’t want to, but I got some money for Christmas, and that’s where I wanted to spend it, and they were having a sale that I didn’t want to miss.  I got a big, beautiful bookshelf.  I had to stop frequently to sit down IN Ikea, then I had to spend about half an hour taking the thing apart to make it fit in my car.  At one point, before I took it apart, I was standing by my car just staring at it, angrily realizing what was going to have to happen, and some random people asked me if I needed help.  It was a couple, a man and a woman.  I asked them if they thought it would even fit, and the woman looked at it, walked around the car for a minute, came back and was like “uhhhh no”.  Then yesterday I took Husband to get his Christmas present, a new tattoo.  Best wife ever!  My poor dog has really hated everyone being so sick.  She’s been bored.  I feel bad.  I’m finally, very very slowly, getting better.  Good thing, too, because I have to work tomorrow.  Rather I should say, I GET to work tomorrow.  I love my job.  Anyways, there you have it.  That’s what I’ve been doing.  It’s pretty much been a two week long pity party over the fact that I can’t even get bronchitis normally.  Thank the good Lord above for Vicodin!  Next week should be more exciting.  Stay tuned for an upcoming tale of me and Mommy (Ryter) going to the museum together!

Don’t forget to check out my Mom’s blog:

http://ryterrong.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/a-slow-week-but-a-new-friend/

And Fiance’s blog, too!

http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2014/01/10/heart-snatcher-and-my-addiction/

 

I have discovered fire!

This week, I made a huge step that may go down in history.  I created fire!  I’ve never had a fireplace before, so I was really scared.  Not for me, but for everyone in my house.  I knew to open the flue, and it wasn’t real wood, so I didn’t figure it could go too wrong. We do have a gas fireplace, but I wouldn’t dare mess with the gas.  With all of the bad luck accumulated in this house, that could only end poorly.  I light the paper around the fake wood like stuff, and after a few moments of fear, we watched as a beautiful fire lit up the living room.  I held my hands above my head and stood tall shouting “I HAVE DISCOVERED FIRE!”  The way I remember it, everyone in the house bowed to me, then clapped and cheered and called me a goddess, but occasionally my memory deceives me.  It’s possible that they never actually used the word goddess, I suppose.

One day this week I decided to dress super cute to school.  Since I barely fill an A cup (my only aesthetic flaw), I wanted to wear my good push up bra, but I couldn’t find it in my room.  I had already taken my night shirt off, so I wasn’t about to put a different shirt on just to find my bra outside the bedroom.  I put my hands over my depressingly tiny boobs (if you would like to donate to my boob fund, let me know, I need a few thousand dollars for that), and I went out in the house to find it.  I knew Brother wouldn’t be out in the house, so I wasn’t worried.  Fiance saw me and just kind of rolled her eyes, since she’s used to it, but Mom was shocked.  I asked if anyone had seen it, but of course they hadn’t.  I never did find it that day.  I had to wear my other bra, which is super comfy, but my boobs did not look as lovely.

Fiance and I are planning a photo shoot that involves us being somewhat close to each other and making serious faces.  We are both just gigglebots, so we decided to randomly practice in the hallway.  She ended up on the floor because we kept laughing so hard.  She held her arms out to me, so I sat down in her lap, where we continued laughing like lunatics.  At some point I was trying to lick her face I guess, because she’s soft like a baby.  Not that I lick baby faces, that would just be weird.

Mom went on a “friend date” this week with a guy friend she met on the internet.  I wasn’t really that worried, but I wanted her to be alert and scared in case he did turn out to be like the Craigslist Killer, so I kept saying things like that he was going to rape and murder her.  Fiance said she wasn’t worried about that, but she was scared he would take Mom and keep her in a dungeon.  When he showed up to pick her up, I let Cyanide sniff him out rather than interrogating him myself.  She didn’t like him.  She didn’t hate him, but she didn’t like him.  That usually indicates extreme stupidity or doucheyness.

Yesterday, I was talking with Husband about taking sexy pictures of myself.  He said something about how I can’t be sexy.  I should mention, I’m a very goofy person.  Not goofy like your regular silly sexy girl, more like the Disney character, Goofy.  I gasped loudly and said “I’m sexy in pictures where you can’t see my personality!  I’ve got all of this sexiness, my personality just gets in the way!”  It’s very true.  I may also be a bit conceited.  The same day, I was trying to tell mom how to talk to men, and how you have to be a little direct sometimes to get a point across.  She said “I can’t!  I’m not mean like you!”  Thanks, Mom.

Since our house is the only one on this street with a big beautiful tree, our yard is the only one that was not visible after the freeze because of all of the leaves on the ground.  I got tired of it and decided to sweep the yard, since I don’t have a rake.  The adorable little old man next door saw me sweeping my yard with a broom, and he brought me the ricketiest looking rake I’ve ever seen.  He said “it’s not much of a rake, but it’s better than a broom if you want to borrow it.”  My heart melted.  I love little old men.

It’s nearly Christmas.  I love presents as much as the next person, but I’m kind of a Grinch.  I hate Christmas music, and looking at other people’s decorations, and how everyone goes broke trying to impress everyone else with the gifts.  I hate how we MADE UP a Birthday for Jesus that isn’t even in the right SEASON, and how we change the story up to make it more festive.  I hate the stress in the air and how everyone is so uptight and grumpy while they yell about the reason for the season in your face.  I really hate the Santa lie.  I don’t hate it enough to tell people they shouldn’t do it, because it really depends on the kid, but I was furious with my parents because I stopped believing in Santa when I was like three, but I played along to make a point until they finally told me, then I stayed mad for about as long as I possibly could.  I hate Christmas, and I feel like you all should know that.  I get kind of bitter in December.

Enjoy the picture of the fire that I created like a caveman, if cavemen had had lighters, and of me proving that I’m pretty sexy in photos.  Until next week, behave!  Santa is coming and it’s almost Jesus’ birthday and reindeer can fly and I’M A ONE EYED ONE HORNED FLYING PURPLE PEOPLE EATER.  Bah humbug.

Here’s the link to Mom’s blog.  Don’t forget to see the other side of the story!

http://ryterrong.wordpress.com/2013/12/13/murder-dungeons-and-face-licking/

Fiance has started a blog, too, so check it out!

http://theotherdaughterofshe.wordpress.com/2013/12/14/theyve-sucked-me-in/

And so it begins…

Okay, let me start with a quick introduction.  I am the 23 year old daughter of Ryter Rong. I am a full time student, a photographer, and a workaholic.  5 years ago I got married, graduated high school, my mom moved to Delaware (my parents finally divorced that year, thank God), and I moved to North Carolina, all in that order.  My high school sweetheart joined the army, which explains our rush to marry, but it has worked out pretty great.  That is also why we had to live in North Carolina.  In April of this year, he escaped the army, or his contract ended or whatever, so we got to move back home to Texas.  I love Texas, I am extremely happy to be back.  I have a darling baby brother, he is 21.  He started dating a girl about a two weeks before I started dating who is now my husband.  Brother had been talking about proposing to his girlfriend before I got back to Texas, so I suggested we all move into a house together.  The army provides housing while you’re in it, so after five years in houses, I couldn’t make my five-year-old labrador mix, Cyanide, live in an apartment.  It also gets lonely with just two people.  Brother agreed and so this year we all moved in together.  That was in April.  He has also proposed, and of course she said yes because I raised a proper gentleman who knows how to win a girls heart, so Girlfriend is now Fiance.  I also have an evil little cat named Isaac, who never gets to leave my bedroom because Fiance is allergic.  A few months ago, my mom moved back to Texas and now lives with us.  Picking her up from the airport, my brother and I got lost in the ghetto of Dallas and I’m pretty sure we saw a guy wearing a trash bag crawling through the street, and we drove through some grass in his small car to get to a gas station, but now we have her and we aren’t letting her leave again.  Unfortunately, she brought her stupid toy poodle Norman with her.  Norman is to me and Toto is to the Wicked Witch of the West.

Now that you know who I am and my relation to everyone, let me tell you about our week.

First, my mom walked to the library.  She has fibromyalgia so that was stupid.  I have been dealing with fibro since I was 11, so when she complains about it, I tell her that she’s being a baby and she needs to man up.  Fiance and I decorated for Christmas this week.  I hate Christmas a lot, but I like decorating.  I really hate Christmas trees, but Fiance had some so we put them up.  At some point I walked into the kitchen and Brother and Husband were snuggling and singing that stupid song from the Grinch, so I grabbed Fiance’s hand and we joined in for a minute.  My mom made her way through to cook dinner.  I love having someone else to cook dinner.  This week was the first week my mom got to witness my routine after coming home from dance class.  I had to take a physical education class in order to get a degree, so I went with dance, since any of it would have sucked a lot anyhow.  I walked into the living room and told Fiance it was her favorite time of day, and I began to dance and take my yoga pants off.  I had on tights and a leotard underneath.  Then I danced around and took my shirt off.  I look really stupid in tights and a leotard because the Good Lord got so caught up making my butt sexy, He forgot to give me the boobs that I deserve, so I like to sarcastically strip down to just that for Fiance (who has the best rack in history).  I showed off how you can see my tattoos through my tights and how sexy that looks.  Really sexy, if you must know.  Then I quickly put a padded bra back on and got back to my day.  I have done this almost every Tuesday and Thursday all semester.  Poor Fiance is going to really miss it when I finish my dance class next week.  On a different day, Fiance and I were talking about awkward moments in sex shops.  She was like 14 when I got engaged, and part of my wedding party, and they dragged her to a sex store to shop for my “bachelorette party”.  Apparently there was a sex swing for sale, with a video playing above it that had a man and woman demonstrating how to use it.  She was just so shocked at everything she saw!  I went to a sex shop before my wedding for the first time, and this lady was telling me all about the cock ring.  She said, very breathy and low, “you put it on him and it vibrates and it feels sooooooo goooooood”.  We’ve had some awkward experiences in those shops.  We also were looking at all of these racy pictures of Kate Moss that someone had posted on Facebook, because we were curious, and she looked ugly in like half of them, but she was pretty in the others.  Brother walked by and I put my hands over the screen and told him to go away.  There was this one picture of her and her boobs were showing, and her face and the lighting was actually really pretty, and we were like “ohhh that’s pretty! *scrollscroll* …ohhhhhhh that’s a vagina!”.  Brother, at that point, just looked at us like we were crazy, and Fiance and I just about died laughing.  Fiance said something along the lines of “If anyone asks what we did today, we decorated for Christmas and looked at pornographic photos together”.  At one point I walked into the living room where Husband and Mom were, and Husband said he was going to go do a cigarette.  I was all like “…you’re gonna what?”  Apparently Mom asked Husband if he was going to do a cigarette earlier that day.  She’s so precious.  Last night it iced, which for whatever reason always makes me want to go out, so I picked up my friend and we went out for soup and hot chocolate.  I picked up some cookie mix, too.  Husband and Fiance went to a concert and both touched Chester Bennington.  They were very excited.  I’ve had people asking me the whole time why I didn’t think it was weird or uncomfortable that my husband and my future sister-in-law were going to a concert together without me or my brother.  They really have this brother/sister relationship going on, though.  It’s cute.  People just don’t get it, but I’m glad we are all as close as we are.  The concert was Husbands Christmas present from Fiance.  They had to drive there in the ice, though.  That made me nervous, but they made it there and back safely.  Cyanide took forever to potty because the grass is frozen and extremely confusing.  She stood on the porch pawing at the ice grass for like 10 minutes before she finally went, and when she got inside she ran through the house like a maniac.  She was quite proud of herself.

I hope you enjoy my viewpoint of it all, I’ll talk to ya next week!  Until then, STAY WARM!  Unless you live in Africa like my landlord, then just try not to be eaten by lions.

Don’t forget to check out my mom’s blog.  Basically it’s the same story, different perspective.

http://ryterrong.wordpress.com/2013/12/06/sex-porn-and-rock-n-roll/